WASHINGTON — In a move that has stunned frequent flyers, the Transportation Security Administration announced this week that peanut butter will now be classified as a "Category 3 Bio-Viscous Threat Substance," placing it in the same administrative tier as certain restricted gels, aerosols, and things that make line agents visibly tired.

Officials defended the decision after what they described as "years of escalating incidents involving uncontrolled smearability."

"We are no longer dealing with a condiment," said one TSA spokesperson while slowly wiping a fingerprint off a scanner. "We are dealing with a substance that can adhere to luggage, clothing, and morale."

Under the new rules, peanut butter will be subject to:

• Mandatory declaration at security checkpoints 
• Removal from containers exceeding 1.5 ounces or "emotionally suspicious quantities" 
• Secondary inspection involving a gloved visual assessment and, in some cases, a stern nod

Airlines have been advised to update onboard snack policies immediately. One carrier reportedly replaced peanut butter sandwiches with "dry optimism crackers" pending further guidance.

Passengers expressed confusion, especially those traveling with children.

"My kid brought a peanut butter sandwich," said one traveler. "Now we’re being treated like we’re smuggling a spreadable incident."

In response to concerns, TSA clarified that jelly remains "under observation but not yet classified as a co-conspirator."

When asked whether crunchy peanut butter would be treated differently from creamy, officials paused.

"We are not yet prepared to open that investigative file," one said.

The agency confirmed it will continue reviewing other "high-risk spreads," including hummus, frosting, and anything that can be "applied with intent."